12階のマンションの屋上から飛び降りて1年経った

カテゴリー 記事
公開日 2016-10-23 00:08:00
コメント数 122

ちょうど1年前、わたしは自宅の12階マンションの屋上から飛び降り自殺をした。

今でも「なぜ自殺をしたのか?」とよく聞かれるけれど、うまく説明出来ないでいる。ただ、わたしの中の自殺への明確な理由はそのとき存在していた。現実はとても冷酷で、真の愛とか運命に対する希望もなく、そもそも何で生きているのか分からなかったし、いつ死んでもいいと思っていた。出来れば、あまり辛い想いをしないうちに、死んでおきたいと10代の頃から思っていた。「わたしの死は、自殺だ」そう確信していた。世の中の不純さを神経質に感じ過ぎて、生きているだけで辛く、そして、この気持ちを共感してもらえないことが、とても孤独だった・・。そして、去年の今頃、とても幸せで、とても辛くて、希望を失って我慢する意味を失って、こんな世の中に適応して不純になるのなら、純粋なまま人生を終えたいと思った。

ある日の朝方、わたしは安定剤をワンシート飲んで意識がフワフワになって、イヤフォンをして好きな音楽を聴きながら、ひとり薄暗い屋上への階段を登り、天気のいい新宿の景色をゆっくり眺め。屋上から、助走を付けてダイブした。


(飛び降りた自宅のマンション)

今でも、死のうとしたことが間違っていたとは思えない(自殺したことは反省している、わたしの自殺によって辛い想いをさせてしまった人がいるから、二度と過ちを犯さないように誓う)。あのとき、わたしは死ぬしか選択肢がなかった。けれど、結果は選択に反して、車のボンネットの上に落ちて全身骨折という、失敗に終わった。死ぬことすら叶えられず、ベッドの上で一瞬一瞬の猛烈な痛みを噛み締めながら、わたしはすべてを諦めて、逆らうことを辞めて、痛みから逃れるためにただ自然に身を任せた。


(腕と背骨は複雑骨折してチタンが埋め込まれた)

自然に身を任せることは、この鬱陶しい世界から脱却する、きっかけになった。死ぬことすら出来ないのならば、耐えるしかないと悟り、痛みから逃れようとするから痛いのだと思い、痛みに立ち向かって受け入れるようになったとき、楽になった。そして、人生も同じだと気付いた。それから、わたしの中の何かが変わった。

 

 

今まで存在すら知らなかった、知っていた世界の、反対側の世界に気付いた瞬間だった。1から10だと思っていた世界が、-10から10までの世界だったのかと知ったような感覚だった。

気付いてから、この世界の法則が前よりも解るようになった。この世の自然原理に身を任せて、正しい考え方と行動を示せば、自然とすべての物事はうまくいくのだと確信した。もしくは、私から見た世界への視点では、うまくいくのだと分かった。運命や奇跡は、信じる者のみに与えられる視点だった。ならば、真の愛も存在するし、純粋であり続けることも可能なのだ。そして、視点は感じさせるだけでなく、実現さえもさせてしまうのだ。この冷酷な現実は理路整然とし過ぎているからこそ、モアレ*1のような模様や結晶が生じる。わたしが、12階から飛び降りて助かってしまったのも、意味があるのかもしれないと真剣に考えるようになった。

*1 モアレ - Wikipedia

あれから、1年が経ったけれど、今では生きるのがとても楽になったし、悩みもしばらく無くて、毎日が楽しくて幸せだ。子供の頃の夏休みの毎日を過ごしているみたいだ、こんな気分数十年ぶりで驚いている。やっと、なかなか越えられなかった大きな壁を乗り越えた。何度でも越えてやる、どんな問題も諦めない、わたしは越えられると信じ切っているから。信じる者のみに、運命は与えられる。


✏️ライター:モカ

 これからの女装文化をつくる。企画、計画、設計、表現を主に行う。元男性として生まれ、女性を装い自由に生きる。アートとテクノロジーとコミュニティをテーマに、活動する。真理を見つめて真理に従う。己が出来る最大限の貢献のために進む。 株式会..
すべて見る
118 http://dsg...  2017-05-24 11:57:36 ID:Mzc0YmE1
I'm sorry, she's <a href=" http://www.novacast.se/baidyanath-vita-ex-gold-price-in-india.pdf#crude ">vita ex gold capsules review</a> A shortfall in sale proceeds this year will compound theformidable challenges Chidambaram faces. The economy is growingslower than the official forecast, hurting tax revenues. He iswidely expected to meet his deficit target, but he may yet haveto find other revenue sources or cut deeper into spending.
<a href=" http://predicare.se/where-is-5-htp-in-cvs.pdf ">where do i buy 5 htp</a> Lisa Power, policy director at the Terrence Higgins Trust said: “Currently, most HIV transmission in the UK is driven by the 25,000 people who have HIV but have not yet been diagnosed. Anything that encourages these people to test, take control of their health and get treatment is a welcome advance.” 
<a href=" http://www.shhhcabaret.com/order-on-natural-arousal-oil/#ernie ">buy on natural arousal oil</a> Harare&rsquo;s Chinese-built, 50,000-capacity National Sports Stadium was half-full despite people being bussed in from Zanu PF heartlands in the countryside. The crowd was muted save for a few cheers for Mr Mugabe&rsquo;s barnstorming attacks on the West and pledges of indigenisation and youth empowerment.
<a href=" http://www.tcheaz.com/is-10mg-of-abilify-too-much.pptx#noon ">cost abilify canada</a> None are likely to go to jail as the sentences under twoyears are suspended, and the longer sentences may be appealed orreplaced with community service, judicial sources said. (Reporting by Silvia Ognibene; Writing by Naomi O'Leary;Editing by Louise Ireland)
<a href=" http://theclocktowernyc.com/delgra-wirkstoff.pdf ">sildenafil citrate delgra 100 mg</a> The lit-up logo is very noticeable on Apple laptops, in the movies or in real life. If this is real, and they are doing it on the iPad now, it makes sense, from the point of view of getting attention to the brand.
119 http://www...  2017-05-24 12:08:46 ID:ZjYwNTkx
Jonny was here <a href=" http://icnc.co.nz/buy-doxycycline-uk.pdf ">doxycycline hyclate 100mg capsule uses</a> Thames Water said the one-off surcharge was needed to help cover the rising cost of London’s £4 billion supersewer and other “unforeseen” burdens, such as increased levels of unpaid bills. It would have added eight per cent to bills, taking the average to nearly £400.
<a href=" http://www.bridgeviewhouse.com/imitrex-50-mg-dosage.pdf#slight ">how many imitrex can i take in a day</a> In the East of England, around 190 people are diagnosed with testicular cancer every year. But figures released by Cancer Research UK reveal the survival rate has never been higher – with 96% of patients beating the disease.
<a href=" http://www.domzastare-starapruga.com/salbutamol-albuterol.pdf ">what is albuterol made of</a> He faces a dilemma. Until the steel mills are sold, thecompany will struggle to persuade investors to participate in acapital increase that is expected to total between 750 millionand 1 billion euros.
<a href=" http://www.azimuthprod.com/azimuth/glucophage-online-kaufen.pdf ">tabletki glucophage 500 mg</a> His earnings in 2007 - particularly the extent to which hisbonus was tied to profits he brought Goldman - may help the SECshow that he obtained money or property thanks to the allegedmisrepresentations.
<a href=" http://www.marineforum.co.uk/lamictal-100-mg-uses.pdf ">what is lamotrigine 200 mg used for</a> "Our goal is to make this weekend's event as educational as it will be enjoyable," Mason Tvert, director of communications for the Marijuana Policy Project, said in a statement. "We simply want those adults who will be enjoying a beer or two at the race this weekend to think about the fact that marijuana is an objectively less harmful product.”
120 http://www...  2017-05-24 12:22:32 ID:Yzc1YzFl
We're at university together <a href=" http://israelstartupnetwork.com/average-cost-iui-clomid.pptx#dormitory ">effects of taking clomid while pregnant</a> But Richmond Federal Reserve President Jeffrey Lacker, one of the Fed's most hawkish officials who has been urging for months that it taper bond buying, said that the central bank had boxed itself in by failing to move last week.
<a href=" http://powerbible.com/buy-dostinex-uk.pdf ">buy cabergoline (dostinex)</a> When he asked for permission in 2003 to marry Mabel Wisse Smit, Dutch media published details of her relationship with mobster Klaas Bruinsma, who was shot and killed in 1991 in front of the Amsterdam Hilton hotel.
<a href=" http://www.pantherproducts.co.uk/posts/nexium-iv-push-rate.pdf ">where can i buy nexium 40 mg</a> All three colour variants are now available to pre-order from the Expansys webstore and we expect other UK retailers and networks to announce availability in the coming weeks. Carphone Warehouse already has the handset listed on its ‘Coming soon’ page with expected availability pegged for September. You can pre-register to be notified when it will be available for pre-order or purchase. Clove.co.uk also has the phone listed and available for pre-registration in a similar fashion.
<a href=" http://ishedlight.com/cheap-purchase-apex-tx50.pdf ">purchase cheap apex tx50</a> Nonetheless, the federalists (Shihaibi&#39;s camp) and the Islamists have a fundamentally different view of what the country should be. When I pressed Bosidra on which of the Islamists&rsquo; demands might raise objections from his political rivals, he raised two. 
<a href=" http://www.kth.ee/amoxicillin-online-sales-uk.pdf ">where to buy amoxicillin antibiotic uk</a> Rather than stand as individuals — responding or not as they chose — Silver, Skelos and Senate co-leader Jeff Klein of the Independent Democratic Conference herded the affected lawmakers into a bunch, threw up a bogus accusation that the commission was assaulting the Legislature’s prerogatives, hired a lawyer for each house and ordered the attorneys to pretend to speak for the Legislature as an institution.
121 http://www...  2017-05-24 12:30:57 ID:ZjFlMzgy
Can I call you back? <a href=" http://www.ingesom.com/index.php/thuoc-remeron-30mg-tablets-htc.pptx#part ">remeron price in pakistan mythology</a> Tina Fey's post-baby body is no laughing matter! Back in April, Fey was stopping by the 'Late Show' sporting a baby bump. On August 10, Fey gave birth to baby girl, Penelope Athena. In true star-studded form, Fey stepped out at the Emmy's just 5 weeks later looking fit and fabulous.
<a href=" http://www.pactobiencomun.com.bo/order-estradiol-valerate-online.pdf#search ">estradiol backorder
</a> Pennsylvania authorities today praised two "truly heroic" men who tackled a man after he allegedly opened fire at a town supervisors' meeting Monday night, killing three people and later saying he wished he had "killed more of them," according to court documents.
<a href=" http://www.markolukac.com/where-to-buy-whole-body-research-true-prostate-flow.pdf#exactly ">true prostate flow rx8</a> The type of behavior you accept from people in life is entirely up to you. If someone’s behavior is less than satisfactory, it may be time to make some decisions as to what you will do next. If you continue to allow yourself to be treated badly, then that is what you will get. Focus on yourself and the wonderful qualities you bring to a relationship, and stand up for what you know is right.
<a href=" http://www.acornerofeden.co.uk/dosis-dulcolax-tablet-untuk-dewasa.pdf ">dulcolax stool softener uk</a> Data from the Office for National Statistics also showed that almost half of all births in England and Wales are to mothers aged 30 and over. The figures show that 49 per cent of births in 2012 were to mothers in this age group. Nearly two-thirds (65 per cent) of fathers were also aged 30 and over. The average age of mothers in all categories was 29.8. The average age for first births was 28.1.
<a href=" http://feeny.nl/can-u-buy-amoxicillin-over-the-counter.pptx ">buy amoxicillin 500mg for tooth infection</a> His remarks came as the Centre for Economics and Business Research today revised upwards it 2013 forecast for the UK economy from 0.7%, which it gave in April, to 1.0%. It said it expected a GDP figure of 1.5% next year.
122 http://www...  2017-05-24 13:01:20 ID:YzE5ZWFm
I'd like to pay this cheque in, please <a href=" http://www.corporeum.com.br/buy-generic-dutasteride-uk.pptx ">buy dutas</a> Now, it has become clear that Mirvis will not, either, be inheriting the 12,518 followers that Lord Sacks managed to build up on the Twitter social networking site. The incumbent has just posted this terse announcement on @rabbisacks:
<a href=" http://www.clearstreamtechnology.co.uk/buy-flomax-online-uk.pdf#vehemently ">cost of tamsulosin in uk</a> Firstly, there must be &ldquo;convincing evidence, generally accepted by the international community as a whole, of extreme humanitarian distress on a large scale, requiring immediate and urgent relief&rdquo;.
<a href=" http://www.velcourt.co.uk/flonase-buy-uk.pdf#specialize ">flonase buy uk
</a> Bank of America Merrill Lynch was HBC's lead financial adviser, with RBC Capital Markets providing additional services. Stikeman Elliott LLP and Willkie Farr & Gallagher LLP were the Canadian retailer's legal counsel.
<a href=" http://thejnpproject.com/buy-zithromax-online-no-prescription-canada.pdf ">buy zithromax online usa</a> And then, echoing Born, she made even more specific comments about the lack of transparency in derivatives markets – and the resulting ability of Wall Street firms to deceive regulators using those securities.
<a href=" http://www.jeanmonnetchair.info/celexa-coupon-card-printing.pdf ">celexa 10 mg hjemmepleje</a> "I was approached by the Mississippi Department of Transportation," Chane said. "They said that while they do not condone or endorse what we did, they were indeed on the understanding side. They said the asphalt is the people's asphalt."